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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set
to one side to repair later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill?
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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